Playlist: Kid Rock/Rob Thomas/Nickelback Traveled to/from: St. Louis back to CoMo for Deuce Volleyball League, mom's birthday and to sleep in my own bed...mmmmm...
Reflection: Didn't write those days...Kid Rock was a great performer...the crowd was not to be ignored as it was a sold out concert and entertaining to say the least. Wanted to make it back to CoMo to play in our vb league (and we won...miracle in and of itself) and golf on Thursday morning before I was kicked off my home course for the men's league. Dinner with my beautiful mother for her birthday and then we were off and running on our bikes on Friday at 9 am with Brandi and Jeff for St. Louis again. Coldplay- Friday night...off the charts. By and far one of the best concerts I have ever been to. Uh-n...believable. Truly.
Too much inside the helmet today (over 350 miles) as I didn't listen to music but thought and thought and cried and thought some more. Landed in Rockford, Il and have so much to process that it has to be hand written and then processed before I put it out in the public (as if anyone actually reads this - however I still feel vulnerable). So goodnight for tonight from inside my helmet...busy day wishing you were inside my helmet with me...or maybe you were and I will write about it tomorrow.
Sweet dreams...always.
Song for the day: Far Away (Nickelback)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Day 3: Faith or Lack Thereof
Playlist: Lenny Kravitz/Coldplay/DMB Traveled From/To: St. Louis up Hwy 79 and then backroads to Hwy 63 to home
Started our day out of St. Louis heading north to Hanibal. Great night sleep - a few weird dreams - pressing north and west alond the Missouri River Trail. Beautiful country. My thoughts trailed to rememberances of Holland (2000) and then thru the Carolinas...Missouri is absolutely breathtaking off of I-70. Ridiculously beautiful.
I contemplated trees. Big oaks...some typical trees with moss growing over them...small trees growing on the edges of bluffs...but alive and green and full of life. My thoughts drifted to Austin wanting to his next tattoo - a specific tree as described in the bible. My thoughts delved back in to driving into Colorado and taking Austin to camp. Feeling faithless and somewhat of an outcast to all of the beauty I was seeing. I remembered the scripture about a tree being well rooted and I felt like on of thes trees in between the banks of creeks...just laying there to be walked across...laying sideways, rooted, not dead across one of those Colorado streams. I thought how do I make it? I'm about to be uprooted and walked across by hikers and critters - how can I still have faith that my roots have given me and keeping " in this game of faith in my Creator". As we drove on trees upon trees with ivy growing over them - green, tall, strong trunks and then out of the scenary of preference I see a tree dead as dead would be for a tree. Over anylyzing - I'm wondering where my faith really is. Or if I have any faith at all. I'm 43. Shouldn't I have some part of this figured out?
I don't. That's the truth. I'm answerless when it comes down to not so basic questions, Like 'why would God choose to take my son' kind of questions. Just ask Lou who asked me point blank with big tears streaming down her face - "Tell me, tell me Bec,...HOW DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE??!! Honestly, I couldn't respond except with tears of my own - not only because of seeing her heart so broken but because I don't know how any of this world makes any kind of sense either.
Song for the Day: Funny the Way It Is by the one and only DMB
Started our day out of St. Louis heading north to Hanibal. Great night sleep - a few weird dreams - pressing north and west alond the Missouri River Trail. Beautiful country. My thoughts trailed to rememberances of Holland (2000) and then thru the Carolinas...Missouri is absolutely breathtaking off of I-70. Ridiculously beautiful.
I contemplated trees. Big oaks...some typical trees with moss growing over them...small trees growing on the edges of bluffs...but alive and green and full of life. My thoughts drifted to Austin wanting to his next tattoo - a specific tree as described in the bible. My thoughts delved back in to driving into Colorado and taking Austin to camp. Feeling faithless and somewhat of an outcast to all of the beauty I was seeing. I remembered the scripture about a tree being well rooted and I felt like on of thes trees in between the banks of creeks...just laying there to be walked across...laying sideways, rooted, not dead across one of those Colorado streams. I thought how do I make it? I'm about to be uprooted and walked across by hikers and critters - how can I still have faith that my roots have given me and keeping " in this game of faith in my Creator". As we drove on trees upon trees with ivy growing over them - green, tall, strong trunks and then out of the scenary of preference I see a tree dead as dead would be for a tree. Over anylyzing - I'm wondering where my faith really is. Or if I have any faith at all. I'm 43. Shouldn't I have some part of this figured out?
I don't. That's the truth. I'm answerless when it comes down to not so basic questions, Like 'why would God choose to take my son' kind of questions. Just ask Lou who asked me point blank with big tears streaming down her face - "Tell me, tell me Bec,...HOW DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE??!! Honestly, I couldn't respond except with tears of my own - not only because of seeing her heart so broken but because I don't know how any of this world makes any kind of sense either.
Song for the Day: Funny the Way It Is by the one and only DMB
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Day 2: Cleaning out the pipes: Love
Playlist: Kings of Leon/DRH/Eric Church Traveled From/To: Springfield to St. Louis via lots of curvy backroads
Listening to music inside the helmet changes my thought process from going "thought to thought" to "emotion to another emotion". I haven't listened to music on our journeys before but I have come to realize how much music keeps me awake (which is a good thing when on 2 wheels). I also realized that music influences my emotion from "easy riding" to "angry" to "sad" and usually my thoughts are about my people and other relationships - good, bad and lost. I love my music and playlists. I jones everytime I work out to find the music that will make me work out harder, lift heavier or my runs faster. (Usually it's AAR, Nickelback, Pink, etc)
So back to the relationships - there are certain people I have "lost" over the years whether to death or breaking up of friendships or required endings for the better of everyone involved. Yet it still seems uneasy when thoughts come flooding thru with the sweetest of memories of all involved. I miss those people - all of them. Dearly. Honestly.
Someone recently lost their dad and was able to honor him by saying he had a lived a life with no regrets. Must be nice. I wish that were true of my life. Regrets, heck ya, quite a few. However, I haved lived a lot of life and I have learned from life. I have loved a lifetime, been hurt thru the process - only to find myself with a broken heart, growing compassion for others and still a willingness to love regardless.
Song for the day: I've Loved Along The Way by Eric Church
Listening to music inside the helmet changes my thought process from going "thought to thought" to "emotion to another emotion". I haven't listened to music on our journeys before but I have come to realize how much music keeps me awake (which is a good thing when on 2 wheels). I also realized that music influences my emotion from "easy riding" to "angry" to "sad" and usually my thoughts are about my people and other relationships - good, bad and lost. I love my music and playlists. I jones everytime I work out to find the music that will make me work out harder, lift heavier or my runs faster. (Usually it's AAR, Nickelback, Pink, etc)
So back to the relationships - there are certain people I have "lost" over the years whether to death or breaking up of friendships or required endings for the better of everyone involved. Yet it still seems uneasy when thoughts come flooding thru with the sweetest of memories of all involved. I miss those people - all of them. Dearly. Honestly.
Someone recently lost their dad and was able to honor him by saying he had a lived a life with no regrets. Must be nice. I wish that were true of my life. Regrets, heck ya, quite a few. However, I haved lived a lot of life and I have learned from life. I have loved a lifetime, been hurt thru the process - only to find myself with a broken heart, growing compassion for others and still a willingness to love regardless.
Song for the day: I've Loved Along The Way by Eric Church
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Day 1: Clarity of Mind: Death
Playlist inside the helmet: AAR and DMB Traveled from/to: CoMo to Spfd, MO backroads and some hwy (rain and overcast and cold)
Death. My first thought as we departed CoMo was "I forgot to make my bed and what if today was my last day and I didn't make my bed?" Death has a funny way of marking it's territory sometimes.
Death. The anniversary of my my brothers death was 2 days ago. As any sibling who has lost another sibling - a lot of grieving, crying or finding joy in sweet memories is usually done alone so as to not upset parents or to draw attention to the notion of needing sympathy for our loss. I miss my brother, Jamie, terribly - heartbreakingly sometimes. He was my closest comrade...shared secrets since as along as I can remember. He was my bestest. However, he hadn't made his bed the day he died and it has stuck with me for whatever reason. Before I left (thinking I might not make it back) I made sure all my laundry was done, the dishes were loaded, my closet cleaned (however my garage is a wreck, 4 other closets are cluttered beyond entrance and my basement, well that's a whole other story)...but I did not make my bed. I'm sure that all sounds morbid...death having that kind of upper hand, but it does.
Death. We had dinner at my parents house the night before we left and Tom brought up Jamie to my parents - which is generally a 'no no' that late at night. My dads heart breaks into pieces before my eyes and my mom speaks about sweet memories of my brother as a kid to try and lighten her and my dads soul. Tough stuff. So as we left the next morning, we were driving to Springfield to visit our friends who just lost their teenage son in April, Tom's mom knocking on deaths door, death seemed to weigh heavy on my mind. Music by DMB seemed to be able to sing words my heart and mind ached to speak but would never. Tears are leaking from my broken eyes as we drove under overcast skies and occasional showers and chilly weather squeezing out all my energy that I had left. Then we came upon traffic.
Death. We are 3 cars back from an accident that had just occurred. We passed by an elderly man, dead, lying lifeless on the black pavement under the same sky we are adventuring on to visit, to love, to encourage and to enjoy people along the way. Questions that start running thru my mind are endless. Whose dad? What happened? Where are his kids? Who's going to find out first? How many broken hearts will bust out today? Why him? Why my parents? Why Ashley? Why my brother? What the?
Death. It smells awful...it doesn't answer the questions.
Song for the day: Belive by All American Rejects
Death. My first thought as we departed CoMo was "I forgot to make my bed and what if today was my last day and I didn't make my bed?" Death has a funny way of marking it's territory sometimes.
Death. The anniversary of my my brothers death was 2 days ago. As any sibling who has lost another sibling - a lot of grieving, crying or finding joy in sweet memories is usually done alone so as to not upset parents or to draw attention to the notion of needing sympathy for our loss. I miss my brother, Jamie, terribly - heartbreakingly sometimes. He was my closest comrade...shared secrets since as along as I can remember. He was my bestest. However, he hadn't made his bed the day he died and it has stuck with me for whatever reason. Before I left (thinking I might not make it back) I made sure all my laundry was done, the dishes were loaded, my closet cleaned (however my garage is a wreck, 4 other closets are cluttered beyond entrance and my basement, well that's a whole other story)...but I did not make my bed. I'm sure that all sounds morbid...death having that kind of upper hand, but it does.
Death. We had dinner at my parents house the night before we left and Tom brought up Jamie to my parents - which is generally a 'no no' that late at night. My dads heart breaks into pieces before my eyes and my mom speaks about sweet memories of my brother as a kid to try and lighten her and my dads soul. Tough stuff. So as we left the next morning, we were driving to Springfield to visit our friends who just lost their teenage son in April, Tom's mom knocking on deaths door, death seemed to weigh heavy on my mind. Music by DMB seemed to be able to sing words my heart and mind ached to speak but would never. Tears are leaking from my broken eyes as we drove under overcast skies and occasional showers and chilly weather squeezing out all my energy that I had left. Then we came upon traffic.
Death. We are 3 cars back from an accident that had just occurred. We passed by an elderly man, dead, lying lifeless on the black pavement under the same sky we are adventuring on to visit, to love, to encourage and to enjoy people along the way. Questions that start running thru my mind are endless. Whose dad? What happened? Where are his kids? Who's going to find out first? How many broken hearts will bust out today? Why him? Why my parents? Why Ashley? Why my brother? What the?
Death. It smells awful...it doesn't answer the questions.
Song for the day: Belive by All American Rejects
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