Day 1: Clarity of Mind: Death

Playlist inside the helmet: AAR and DMB Traveled from/to: CoMo to Spfd, MO backroads and some hwy (rain and overcast and cold)

Death. My first thought as we departed CoMo was "I forgot to make my bed and what if today was my last day and I didn't make my bed?" Death has a funny way of marking it's territory sometimes.

Death. The anniversary of my my brothers death was 2 days ago. As any sibling who has lost another sibling - a lot of grieving, crying or finding joy in sweet memories is usually done alone so as to not upset parents or to draw attention to the notion of needing sympathy for our loss. I miss my brother, Jamie, terribly - heartbreakingly sometimes. He was my closest comrade...shared secrets since as along as I can remember. He was my bestest. However, he hadn't made his bed the day he died and it has stuck with me for whatever reason. Before I left (thinking I might not make it back) I made sure all my laundry was done, the dishes were loaded, my closet cleaned (however my garage is a wreck, 4 other closets are cluttered beyond entrance and my basement, well that's a whole other story)...but I did not make my bed. I'm sure that all sounds morbid...death having that kind of upper hand, but it does.

Death. We had dinner at my parents house the night before we left and Tom brought up Jamie to my parents - which is generally a 'no no' that late at night. My dads heart breaks into pieces before my eyes and my mom speaks about sweet memories of my brother as a kid to try and lighten her and my dads soul. Tough stuff. So as we left the next morning, we were driving to Springfield to visit our friends who just lost their teenage son in April, Tom's mom knocking on deaths door, death seemed to weigh heavy on my mind. Music by DMB seemed to be able to sing words my heart and mind ached to speak but would never. Tears are leaking from my broken eyes as we drove under overcast skies and occasional showers and chilly weather squeezing out all my energy that I had left. Then we came upon traffic.

Death. We are 3 cars back from an accident that had just occurred. We passed by an elderly man, dead, lying lifeless on the black pavement under the same sky we are adventuring on to visit, to love, to encourage and to enjoy people along the way. Questions that start running thru my mind are endless. Whose dad? What happened? Where are his kids? Who's going to find out first? How many broken hearts will bust out today? Why him? Why my parents? Why Ashley? Why my brother? What the?

Death. It smells awful...it doesn't answer the questions.

Song for the day: Belive by All American Rejects